Justice capers

January 21, 2011 at 10:12 pm (Uncategorized)

The island’s system of justice is innovatively silly. If someone accuses someone else of a crime, they have to challenge the accused to an egg-and-spoon race. If the accused wins, he or she then tortures the accuser for twenty minutes, using both pairs of  eggs and spoons. If the accuser wins, the accused is  sentenced. The sentences are determined in accord with the principles of whist. The criminal has to guess what sentence the judge will pass. The difference between the criminal’s guess and the judge’s sentence becomes the actual sentence that the criminal then serves.

Another ethics-related custom on the island, slightly similar to ‘masochists and sadists’ described below, occurs on 23 February at 10.30 am. Everyone on the island lines up in a horseshoe shape, according to how good they are. Then they pair off, with the best person pairing off with the worst person, etc., etc. The pairs have to go out for an evening together. The good person’s boringness is considered appropriate and proportionate punishment for the bad person’s badness, while the bad person’s naughtiness is considered appropriate and proportionate reward for the good person’s goodness. It’s all very progressive/stupid.

To add at a little spice/Old-Testament style to the ritual, the person in the exact middle of the horseshoe shape (an odd-numbered population total is assumed here, in contrast to ‘masochists and sadists’ below) is given a peculiarly awful punishment, as a kind of sacrifice to something or other. Regular readers (yes I know it’s a pathetic delusion that I have even any irregular ones) will not be surprised to learn that last 23 February muggins/yours truly was the person in the exact middle.

My punishment was horrendous. I got banished from this fictional realm, and cast out into reality.

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